17. Stirring Awake
First of all, apologies for the repeat post.
Seconds after originally publishing this I had a very upset panic that it was stupid trashy nonsense, and I deleted it from Substack.
It hit me later of course, that I couldn’t undo the fact that it had already landed in several people’s inboxes. I done goofed.
A few of those people happened to reach out to me though, and said exceptionally nice things about it, one of which was that it was actually quite relatable!
So here it is again (with a little extra) for anyone who can relate, and also to put a finger up to the part of my brain that made me cry and delete it in the first place.
Coffee, honey, milk. They sit in the bottom of the mug, slowly swirling together. The second they touch each-other they have become something other than they were, totally inseparable.
How many. Just how many have my hands, mind and heart touched from the minute I was born? How much have I tasted, heard, breathed in? How many relationships great and small, long and fleeting; how many ideas shared, how many thoughts had as a result? Look how much I am constantly swirling and changing within.
And when I sit on a day like today, slumped and defeated and feeling like I’m not enough, how much am I spitting on every single person I've met and experience I've had, that makes me up? How much am I discrediting myself for all the things I’ve enjoyed and endured?
If I am honey, I want to do you proud, milk, and coffee. To take all these grains and swirls, all of them. The pain and the joy, the boredom and the enthusiasm, criticism and praise, warmth and cold, company and isolation, certainty and doubt. And stir.
I used to think it was ugly, that so many brightly coloured paints became a dull and muddy brown when combined.
But I've come to appreciate it's beauty.
It is neutral. It is soil, and reeds. A knitted jumper, a comfort, solid as rock and soft as bread. A coffee.
And most of all, you can add the wildest and most intense colour to brown and it'll just become more itself.
On a day like today, when I don't feel enough. This colour reminds me that I'm more than I've ever been. I just need to embrace all the components.
Hi, it’s Wednesday. I have adventures to talk about but I’ll save them for next time as I'm allowing myself a recharge day. I feel like I haven't drawn properly in weeks, so after a big egg bap I loosen up with a quick portrait study of my Dad, some crab studies, and a doodle of some pigs from this incredible game I just finished.
I did do a couple of pet commissions recently which I don’t think I’ve shared here yet! I will never say no to getting to stare at people’s cute pets for hours.
I’ve showered, put laundry on, gone for a walk (even though it’s cold and windy out again ew) to feed the crows and post a parcel…
…and in a rare move am now turning to a notebook to scribble down some world-building notes; as that itch to run some kind of TTRPG has returned once more.
The evening closes in. I eat (I have at least been forcing myself to do that, despite the recent bad brain) and wind down.
Tomorrow I’ll return to streaming, and comic making. I’ll try to recognise all the things that I’m composed of and how they can work in harmony to better me, and I’ll make my morning coffee, and stir myself awake.
And I did just that! (It’s Thursday now) Stream was so so lovely. My community welcomed my wee vent with such warmth and relatability and kindness, I managed to design a creature crucial to me continuing with a comic I’ve been working on, and afterwards had lovely walks and food and Pocket cuddles.
The negative thoughts still bother me, but they are not so immediately overwhelming.
Rest, eat, talk about it, write about it, throw yourself into something… I’m still learning these tactics the hard way, but it gets a little easier each time.
Thanks so much for reading. And thank you for the constant support and reaching out. Please always feel free to vent in the comments, or come hang out in a cozy supportive space sometime!
I hope to have more to say and show in the coming months than just ✨my emotions✨ but no promises, hey.
Be kind to yourselves.
Much love from, the Nook x
Thank you for reposting this. I related hard the first time, and now twice as hard the second time!